im sorry for making u feel lousy most of the time
i dont know how i do it or why i do it

i know u love me alot
overwhelms me sometimes

im just bracing myself for the day when u tell me u dont love me anymore
because how can u love someone who hurts u time and time again?

i'm ok

sometimes i feel like i'm your waste of time

sorry

make/break

im not doing this for myself
there's a bigger picture


i love you, but
if you were to stop practising, that i cannot accept
(because u're brilliant, and its a completecomplete waste of 6years ass-slogging)


leave me alone
i need to think

the other day

was fun.

i miss times like this.

oh and gee

hello
it's been awhile

i've been thrown into the realm of screaming mummies-to-be, wailing babies, ovariancystectomymyomectomytotalhysterectomypelvicfloorrepaire-caesar

documentdocumentdocument!
which kind of sucks for slow processors like me when i have to listen, translate into passive form and scribble.
esp when i have consultants thatspeakdamnfast and i'm ?!??!? -_-"'
my handwriting is going downhill...

life's been (relatively) good
i've got great seniors
bosses that are super willing to teach
and efficient colleagues (doctors and nurses alike)

calls. good.
bestcallever - 7/6/09
pizza, chips, ribena and property prices
and laughing over "are u smarter than a 5thgrader?"
1admission, 1delivery and 1bleeding drain site.
that's it.
life couldn't be better

a very nice staffnurse who made possibly the best cup of milo for me
so thick and good!

my first accurate VE yay
(the previous ones don't count, cos i had no one around to help me. and half the time i don't know what is it i'm feeling.)
i felt around and said "tip of finger!"
which my MO double confirmed.
i swore i could have jumped for joy

finally settled my polar strawberry roll craving
when a veryveryveryveryveryvery niceandsweet ultramac turned up with not 1, not 2 but 3! of the said rolls
and i got a lift home too :)
i think all the whining over sms during my sundaycall helped

nasty flu on the high road
finally can start running
been feeling like a lump of lard

leave coming up!
excitedness :)

post mb

so the past few nights have been spent tossing in bed
mind racing

haven’t really been meeting up with long lost friends like i said i would.
i don’t know… the uncertainty of it all scares me
everytime i read “congrats!” on my sms-es i cringe.
so imagine my expression, when i meet up with friends and they say it. to my face.
then what happens if i don’t make it? do they retract their “congrats!”??
can’t deal.
nothing really has been set in stone yet. so it all seems a little premature.

edit: one group is already in the clear. when’s it going to be my turn?

*

i woke up at 1pm today
pleased by the sheer nothing-ness on my to-do list
attempted to pack the embattled warzone i call my room.
i can see the colour of my table top now. *beams

been basically honing my homemaking skills (and being a hermit)
dad’s gone on a vegetarian diet for the next 2 weeks
so the grocery basket has been seeing the likes of beancurd, radish, straw mushrooms, oyster mushrooms, potatoes, carrots and erm, dried mushrooms.

today’s beancurd rolls weren’t too bad
tried my hand at making sourplum tea as well.

oh well,
if my mbbs attempt pans out at least i know i’ll make good in a kitchen.

*

sometimes i ponder
the whole point of life.
when we die… where does the very essence of our being go?
i find it hard to believe that everything just ceases to be the moment one leaves.
80odd years of building memories, forging bonds, evolving → *poof

life comes full circle.
from clean-as-a-squeak babies to be returned to the ground, untainted when we die.
wiped clean.
then everything else in between, does it matter?

*

hopefully plans for hk work out!
need my distraction

hiv(e)

id is bringing out the worst in me
i get serious compulsions to wash my hands every single minute
outbreaks of unwarranted pruritis and i obsess over every single nick in my skin


i wonder if they know
if they can see the judgement peeking out through our eyes
even with our apathetic faces

i feel sorry for them
yet at the same time I ask whywhywhy
why didn’t you see this coming?
is a 30min frolick for a lifetime of nausea and regret really worth it?


i wonder how my family would react if i had that,
would their (unconditional) love for me diminish
would i just be a passing memory,
a good thing they once enjoyed, now to be scratched out

would they think i deserved it

i wonder how i would deal
would i be brave enough to take my haart, live with the effects
plod on with life

or do i take the easy route out?
(afterall, death is the only certainty in life)

going back to the corner...

"... cos if one day you wake up
and find that you're missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth i could be
thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet

and you'd see me waiting for you
on the corner of the street

so i'm not moving..."

- the man who can't be moved, the script

心. 跳.

thanks for the chocolate
even though it was the very last one, in a huge piece of redundant foil which previously housed the rest of the chocolate bar; maybe nobody else wanted it or you couldn't finish it

im glad you thought of me

singalongsong

she’s back and that’s all that matters :)

picked up orangemoon enroute to dinner with jc on thurs. standard khalil soulboy tunes. great for cruising/chilling. maybe leehom’s new cd if im feeling rich later.
Dinner was… forced to say the least. I tried… but whatever he was saying just couldn’t filter in. maybe I was too damn tired from school or I was too preoccupied with the saltiness of my miso ramen. so yah, whatever he said I just couldn’t muster up an appropriate response.
note to self: never to be a nice person and say yes just because I feel bad. It could have been 2 hours well spent.
he’s a nice person. really simple and downtoearth. but I find it might be hard to even become good friends with him. apart from the dearth of conversation topics… he’s too intense for me la (there, im spouting contradictory terms again. first simple then intense). im very whatever, there’s no reason why I like a particular song, no reason why I want to eat my mum’s stewed duck for my last meal. I just feel like it. That’s it.

Prep for the final mb is making me very antsy.
I abhor how this whole thing is nothing but a show. The more wayang u are the more u score, even though ur content is absolute rubbish, as long as u sound convincing ure in.
Not a very good showman. I cringe at dramatising my words/actions.
Make a simple action of looking at someone’s infusion pump a 3second dance. Stating the obvious when its staring at u in the face.
Bloody hell. 4.5yrs and suddenly I think maybe im not cut out for this.

A great many plans for post-mb.
The idea of being able to wake up in the morning with absolutely NO plans for the day is one huge plan in itself. Spontaneous drives up to Dempsey to check out jones/culina, one entire afternoon of baking. Seriously can’t wait. Think this beats any holiday overseas.
Then there’s my deal with megamac, which I hope he’s working hard at. 10kg and a half dozen choc lava cakes and a lot more baked treats! yay-ness.

I want to pass.
I have to pass.
Even if this means I have to sell the very essence of my being and turn into this preening showboat

I will do it.